* Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for the reputation.
* It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.
* The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
* If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.
* A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
* Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway
* Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
* Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
* I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out He didn't work that way...so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness
* War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
* A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. Love your enemies.... it pisses them off.
*Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT, It only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch-slap that person upside the head.
* * If: ...A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26, then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and, K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2 + 21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% and, look how far ass kissing will take you: A-S-S--K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that: While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, Bullshit and ass Kissing will always get you further!
* Most beds sleep up to six cats. Ten cats without the owner.
* Every dog has his day - but the nights are reserved for the cats.
* No amount of time can erase the memory of a good cat, and no amount of masking tape can ever totally remove his fur from your couch.
* Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
* It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
* I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
* If I didn't wake up, I'd still be sleeping.
* Love Thy neighbors but don't get caught.
* In the past when angry, people fought - now you unfriend them on Facebook. Yeah, that'll teach 'em to screw with you!
* Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
* Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
* I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
* "Vegetarian" is an Indian word meaning, "lousy hunter"