Your official forums for OFM


    Fun IM status quotes

    Share
    avatar
    DJ Kat

    Posts : 51
    Join date : 2011-09-13

    Fun IM status quotes

    Post  DJ Kat on Wed Sep 14, 2011 5:31 pm


    * Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for the reputation.

    * It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.

    * The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

    * If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

    * A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

    * Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway

    * Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.

    * Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

    * I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out He didn't work that way...so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness

    * War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.

    * A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. Love your enemies.... it pisses them off.

    *Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT, It only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch-slap that person upside the head.

    * * If: ...A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26, then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and, K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2 + 21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% and, look how far ass kissing will take you: A-S-S--K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that: While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, Bullshit and ass Kissing will always get you further!

    * Most beds sleep up to six cats. Ten cats without the owner.

    * Every dog has his day - but the nights are reserved for the cats.

    * No amount of time can erase the memory of a good cat, and no amount of masking tape can ever totally remove his fur from your couch.

    * Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

    * It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

    * I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

    * If I didn't wake up, I'd still be sleeping.

    * Love Thy neighbors but don't get caught.

    * In the past when angry, people fought - now you unfriend them on Facebook. Yeah, that'll teach 'em to screw with you!

    * Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

    * Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

    * I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

    * "Vegetarian" is an Indian word meaning, "lousy hunter"
    avatar
    DJ Kat

    Posts : 51
    Join date : 2011-09-13

    Re: Fun IM status quotes

    Post  DJ Kat on Wed Sep 14, 2011 5:34 pm


    One of my latest favorites and applies to a couple people I know... "If you're talking behind my back, you're in a perfect position to KISS MY ASS"
    avatar
    admin
    Admin

    Posts : 40
    Join date : 2011-09-13

    Re: Fun IM status quotes

    Post  admin on Thu Sep 22, 2011 10:40 pm

    • If age is just a number... then jail is just a room.
    avatar
    GI Jedi

    Posts : 18
    Join date : 2011-09-24

    Re: Fun IM status quotes

    Post  GI Jedi on Sat Sep 24, 2011 9:09 pm

    Smile lol! How about

    +You know it's time to lose weight when instead of reading out a value, the scale lets out a groan

    +Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet and rub up and down. Yep that's how you wash a cup.

    +...condom says to the tampon, "You put me out of a job for 1 week a month!" The tampon replies, "When you don't do your job properly, I lose mine for 9 months!"

    +Do you want to hear a joke about my penis? Never mind, it's too long.

    +Not trying to be rude, but your dick gets less action then a white crayon.

    +In every circle of friends there's always that one person everyone secretly hates. Don't have one? Then it's probably you.

    +My wife always complains that I don't take her anywhere expensive... so I took her to the gas station.

    +If you listen closely you can hear the gas pump tell your kid's college fund to go fuck itself.

    +Vodka-$23.99. Motel-$64.99. Condoms-$3.99. Finding Out She Swallows... PRICELESS!!!!! Fuck Visa, It Pays To Discover!!!!!

    +Friends are like underwear, always near you. Good friends are like condoms, always protecting you. Best friends are like Viagra, lift you up when you are down.

    +Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.

    +A female officer pulls over a drunk man. The officer tells him, "Anything you say will be held against you!" Then the drunk man yells, "TITTIES"!

    +My wife said she wanted something that went from 0 to 400 in 2 seconds....I got her a bathroom scale.

    +When my wife and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say "Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh?"

    +Dear Santa, what I want for Christmas is... your list with names of naughty girls.

    +My bank is the worst. They're charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can't even afford to be broke.






    avatar
    admin
    Admin

    Posts : 40
    Join date : 2011-09-13

    Re: Fun IM status quotes

    Post  admin on Sun Sep 25, 2011 10:27 pm

    "If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea.... does that mean one of them actually enjoys it?"
    avatar
    DJ Xiryl

    Posts : 6
    Join date : 2011-09-25

    Re: Fun IM status quotes

    Post  DJ Xiryl on Fri Oct 07, 2011 6:47 pm

    Some of these work good for Facebook too

    -About 50% of parents “friend” their children on Facebook. The other 50% find less technological ways to embarrass their kids.
    -I Know What You Did Last Summer. You Posted It To Facebook. And You Do Not Seem To Understand How To Use The Privacy Controls.
    -I’m searching Facebook for people named Hontas, just because I think it would be cool… to poke a Hontas.
    -The rest of the world uses Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. I just learned some girl I hated in high school likes her new pedicure.
    avatar
    DJ Kat

    Posts : 51
    Join date : 2011-09-13

    Re: Fun IM status quotes

    Post  DJ Kat on Sun Oct 23, 2011 5:57 pm

    "I don't have an attitude problem, I have a personality you can't handle"

    Sponsored content

    Re: Fun IM status quotes

    Post  Sponsored content


      Current date/time is Sat Nov 18, 2017 4:32 pm