Fun IM status quotes

* Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for the reputation.

* It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.

* The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

* If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

* A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

* Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway

* Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.

* Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

* I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out He didn't work that way...so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness

* War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.

* A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. Love your enemies.... it pisses them off.

*Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT, It only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch-slap that person upside the head.

* * If: ...A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26, then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and, K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2 + 21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% and, look how far ass kissing will take you: A-S-S--K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that: While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, Bullshit and ass Kissing will always get you further!

* Most beds sleep up to six cats. Ten cats without the owner.

* Every dog has his day - but the nights are reserved for the cats.

* No amount of time can erase the memory of a good cat, and no amount of masking tape can ever totally remove his fur from your couch.

* Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

* It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

* I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

* If I didn't wake up, I'd still be sleeping.

* Love Thy neighbors but don't get caught.

* In the past when angry, people fought - now you unfriend them on Facebook. Yeah, that'll teach 'em to screw with you!

* Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

* Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

* I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

* "Vegetarian" is an Indian word meaning, "lousy hunter"

One of my latest favorites and applies to a couple people I know... "If you're talking behind my back, you're in a perfect position to KISS MY ASS"

• If age is just a number... then jail is just a room.

How about

+You know it's time to lose weight when instead of reading out a value, the scale lets out a groan

+Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet and rub up and down. Yep that's how you wash a cup.

+...condom says to the tampon, "You put me out of a job for 1 week a month!" The tampon replies, "When you don't do your job properly, I lose mine for 9 months!"

+Do you want to hear a joke about my penis? Never mind, it's too long.

+Not trying to be rude, but your dick gets less action then a white crayon.

+In every circle of friends there's always that one person everyone secretly hates. Don't have one? Then it's probably you.

+My wife always complains that I don't take her anywhere expensive... so I took her to the gas station.

+If you listen closely you can hear the gas pump tell your kid's college fund to go fuck itself.

+Vodka-$23.99. Motel-$64.99. Condoms-$3.99. Finding Out She Swallows... PRICELESS!!!!! Fuck Visa, It Pays To Discover!!!!!

+Friends are like underwear, always near you. Good friends are like condoms, always protecting you. Best friends are like Viagra, lift you up when you are down.

+Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.

+A female officer pulls over a drunk man. The officer tells him, "Anything you say will be held against you!" Then the drunk man yells, "TITTIES"!

+My wife said she wanted something that went from 0 to 400 in 2 seconds....I got her a bathroom scale.

+When my wife and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say "Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh?"

+Dear Santa, what I want for Christmas is... your list with names of naughty girls.

+My bank is the worst. They're charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can't even afford to be broke.

"If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea.... does that mean one of them actually enjoys it?"

Some of these work good for Facebook too

-About 50% of parents “friend” their children on Facebook. The other 50% find less technological ways to embarrass their kids.
-I Know What You Did Last Summer. You Posted It To Facebook. And You Do Not Seem To Understand How To Use The Privacy Controls.
-I’m searching Facebook for people named Hontas, just because I think it would be cool… to poke a Hontas.
-The rest of the world uses Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. I just learned some girl I hated in high school likes her new pedicure.

"I don't have an attitude problem, I have a personality you can't handle"